We sat on the beach, waves crashing at our feet, toddlers building sandcastles just ahead. It was a breezy September day, and six years have since past, but I remember. Everyone had already gone back to school and we had the beach to ourselves.
We soaked up the sun and made holes in the sand with our feet as we talked.
Her husband had cheated.
She talked about how she forgave him and wanted to help him, and she talked about how she had a ready-to-go plan to get the heck out. She loved him and couldn’t imagine life without him. And she couldn’t stand to live another minute with him.
The pain was fresh and it was deep.
I prayed in my head the whole time, wanting to be full of Godly wisdom for her. I told her she could stay, that she could do this and it could work. But I also told her she had every reason to leave and that he was a jerk. I was proud of her for trying to make it work and then I was frustrated with her for putting up with so much.
I felt compassion for him, and I felt anger towards him. I told her he had done this because he was broken, and I may have offered to beat him up and break him some more. It was a long day and there were a lot of feelings.
It is oh so easy to sit at my laptop in my pretty office and try to remember days when I was in the ugly place with my husband and drum up some advice for wives going through dark times. Words and cliches are on the tip of my tongue, ready to soothe hurt feelings and brighten someone’s day.
But when you’re in the moment, in the pit, or up close and watching the wreckage that is someone’s marriage? Different story.
It’s messy up close. It’s personal. It’s anguish and pain and bad advice given in the heat of the moment.
There is also good. It’s being driven to your knees. It’s searching with all your might to find out what God has to say about this. It’s choosing to be a light.
It hurts, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, because there is no one-size-fits-all ugly place. Her pit is not my pit and my pit is not your pit. We all struggle with different circumstances, but pain is pain. Ugly is ugly.
If you’re in the ugly place, get on your knees.
Search with all your might to find out what God has to say to you about all this.
Choose to be a light.
It isn’t easy. You will forget. You will screw up. You will choose, in heated moments, to do the exact worst thing you should do.
And then, you’ll try again. You’ll get back on your knees.
You’ll search.
You’ll shine.
There will be restoration. There will be forgiveness.
And you might start the ugly cycle all over again. That’s okay. It’ll be easier to get out the next time. You’ll start to catch yourself before it happens.
You’ll hear yourself talking to others about things like forgiveness and restoration, and you will scarcely believe they belong to you.
You will find a way, somehow, to shine together.
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