Read I wasn’t always…part one here
I took one look at the little pink line and knew. All those decisions I’d been putting off were going to have to be dealt with. Soon.
I looked in the mirror and just stared at my face, trying to feel something. I knew I should be scared or happy, or even upset. But nothing came. I was completely numb.
I closed my eyes and tried to no avail to work up some tears. I didn’t even know what to think, but I felt with certainty that I should be crying. The funny thing is, the whole time I was thinking, “Someday I’m going to have to tell my child about this moment– when I found out I was pregnant with him or her– and I’m not going to be able to say that I cried.”
Seriously. From the second I took that box off the drugstore shelf, every step I took was laced with guilt. Not guilt for breaking the commandments I grew up hiding in my heart, or for putting my parents to shame (though that would come later).
Guilt because this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. How would my kids ever be happy now? I was already a bad mom.
I looked at the bathroom door and sighed. Boyfriend was outside, waiting hopefully. Not hoping in the way you’d think your average eighteen year old guy would be hoping. Nope, while I was fighting off nausea, he had been crossing his fingers. He wanted a family, and he wanted it now. We’d been dating only a few months, but he was ready. He wanted to settle. He wanted this baby. He wanted me. He wanted forever.
Me? I wasn’t so sure.
Finally, I opened the door and looked at Boyfriend. He took one look at my face and pumped his fist. “I knew it!” He shouted. He grabbed me and began to cry, kissing my face. “My baby, my baby.” Finally, a coherent thought made its way through my brain.
Now I’m stuck.
And finally, the tears came.
And look at the beautiful story God has woven for you.
I remember the first time I met that sweet baby at your parent’s house. She was truly the most BEAUTIFUL baby I had ever seen. I wasn’t sure what God was up to in your life, but man was I praying for you.
Thank you for your vunerability. I wait in anticipation to see how God weaved Himself into your heart. xo
Wow, thanks for your honesty. It is so easy for bloggers to project an image of ourselves, not the whole story. I’m enjoying reading your “whole story”
Wow! I am so happy to have found your website! I too dreamt of being a mom my whole life. I used to “play house” when I was 12, and I would actually set a timer to wake me up at 3am to “feed” my doll. When I was 19, distracted by my restaraunt job, “questionable boyfriend” and a pretty intense night life, I wasn’t thinking of any kind of future for myself let alone starting a family, and there I was pregnant. Well, My “questionable boyfriend” has grown into my amazing husband who I wouldn’t trade for the world, My 6 year old daughter has become my greatest gift (along with her two year old sister) And our life is finally, after years of working on it, heading on the right path. Only in the last couple of years though, have I been back to trying to define the “kind of Mom” I want to be and the “kind of life” we want to give our children” Your website seems to lead in the direction of everything we are trying to do and be. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have stumbled upon you!
Wow. You know….it’s amazing how similar people’s lives can be. You know what though…God has a plan for everything…even when we aren’t sure! I’m so very happy to have found your blog…what a blessing!
Thanks! I was checking yours out right now, too. Gotta love Twitter. Anyway, your post on how to create Facebook groups was really helpful! I had no idea you could do that.
What. A. Babe.
(I know, I’m deep)