I have a confession. I love God, and I love the idea of church. And every week, when I get to church and I start worshipping, I remember all the reasons why I love that church even exists. I love that God created a way for his people to come together and worship and learn more about him.
And, yet. Every Sunday morning, I face a major battle with myself. I rarely, if ever, want to go to church. In fact, I dread it.
It may be the introvert thing, or the I’ve been hurt by church people thing, or the hermit tendencies thing. But I really just don’t look forward to church. Pretty much every week, I can think of a reason not to go. I’m usually pretty quiet or outright tense on Sunday mornings. Because I’m truly battling with myself. Staying home would be so much easier. So much more comfortable.
So every week, I have to keep myself from talking myself out of going. I don’t always succeed, and that’s okay. My salvation isn’t tied to my church attendance.
When I was grieving, I couldn’t go to church for months. It had nothing to do with how I felt about God, it was that we were at a newer church that wasn’t family and I felt too vulnerable. Every time I drew near to God, tears would start rolling in the most frustrating way and I literally couldn’t stop them. So I avoided church for awhile and prayed and cried in private.
I know people that would rather die than miss a service, even to the point of skipping vacations and family weddings in favor of not missing church, and I know Pastors that encourage that kind of loyalty. And I have nothing against that mindset. I just don’t share it. I’m okay with missing church once in awhile.
My favorite time with God is when it’s just us. The quiet prayer time, the worship songs I sing as I’m starting my day. Cuddled on a couch, reading His word and feeling His presence. I logically know that God wants us to fellowship with believers, and I know that we are designed to need others, and I know that God gave us each gifts to build His church up. But honestly, I feel like I could serve God and walk with God just fine on my own.
I know that’s not a popular thing to say, and I also know I’m wrong. It’s a heart attitude I’ve been struggling with for decades. One of my favorite escapes is to imagine that my family and I live on a deserted island. Because life is hard sometimes. And I’ve never thought, oh wait… what about church?
Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate the church immensely and I’ve spent over 20 years joyfully serving in various ministries. I know that it’s God’s way for us.
There are many things I love about church, once I get there. I love singing corporately, I love learning from the message. I love communion. I love, love, love, when people give their lives to God. I love forging friendships that turn into families. I love teaching kids about God’s word.
So why is it so hard to get there?
I could say that the enemy is trying to keep me away, and that may be true on some level. I do believe it’s a spiritual battle. Or maybe this is just the thorn in my flesh… I don’t desire what is good and right for me. I have to force myself to do what God calls us to do.
I know I should be thankful we have the freedom to worship publicly without persecution. I should be thankful that I’m not underground, risking my life each time I go to church. And I am, truly. But so far, that hasn’t changed the fact that I dread going to church each week.
I don’t know why I wanted to share this with you today, except to say that if you feel this way, too, I understand. And to say to you: Don’t give up, keep battling yourself and just go.
And if you don’t feel this way, there are probably people you’re sitting next to each week that do. You never know how hard it was for someone to get there that week, even someone who loves God and seems happy to be there.
And if your husband or wife or kid seems to resist going each week, just keep them in prayer, show them grace, and let them know you’re happy when they do go.
I still don’t really know why I am this way, but I’ve come to accept that it may be a battle I have to fight until the end of my days. If that’s so, I’m okay with it, because I’ve got God on my side.
Do you dread church, or look forward to it?
Athena says
Thank you for putting into words exactly how I feel! I enjoy it once I get there, but seriously start dreading it the night before. It is a weekly battle with myself.
Kelly says
Your post is exactly how I feel in every way.
Eve says
I feel exactly the same way! I hate going through that. I think that for me, part of it is that I (also) homeschool, so throughout the rest of the week, I’m in charge of my schedule. I’m not a morning person and don’t leave the house before noon if it can be helped. I can also wear what I want and look how I want. I can come and go as I please. On Sunday, I have to get up and get ready right away. I have to put thought into my clothes and appearance (even though our church is pretty laid back and I can wear jeans, it still gets to me). I have to sit somewhere for a certain amount of time and not leave. I struggle with anxiety and I know that this also plays a role. A few years ago, I found myself leaving during the church service to sit in the parking lot in my car. I felt so alone. My husband is the type that never misses church – even if we’re on vacation, he’ll find a church for us to go to on Sunday. He hates when I don’t go and doesn’t understand at all. I really do love it when I’m there. I love our pastor and everything that I learn from his sermons. I live singing in corporate worship. I love seeing people baptised. I really thought I was the only person who went through this! Thank you for being open and honest enough to share this. Sometimes we need to know that we’re not alone in our struggles (which is why it’s so great that the church extends beyond the walls of our local place of worship)!
Tasha says
yes……….
Tasha says
I understand this completely. Could have written this myself.
Elizabeth Alex says
Hey Angela, I used to hate it too and a decade of avoiding it, after much prayer I embraced another church that was more in tune of what I “needed” from the service. Turns out, I wanted to be in a church that participates in the service,. I didn’t like the idea of being a passive listener when I already was battling my dreadful thoughts. My thoughts are held captive when I this church I go to now has an engaging format of worship. We start with a psalms chapter for half hour. He leader gently takes the discussions ahead to let us understand and share what the verse means. Then the next half hour we share testimonies with each other, about how the week had been and which scripture spoke to us. We teach each other through the word. Then the next hour is a teaching from an elder who prepares the sermon. We have a communion meal right after. Its engaging you see? I’ll pray for you Angela. I hope your love for God would encourage you to follow his command of loving the church too. And remember, the church is not the building, it’s the people. What better place to actively participate in one of the greatest command of “loving others”.
mamala says
No one could ever accuse you of pandering–You operate from a platform of genuine.
Exactly how Christ operated.
He did not mince words or kiss up.
You knew where He stood and why.
I love your style–You are indeed following in His footsteps–
I imagine many many of us feel this way about church attendance.
There is nothing surprising about that–we are humans, not robots.
God is gracious.
I Corinthians 14: 33 says:
“For God is not the author of confusion,
But of peace.”
If we don’t forget that–we will be okay.
Camie says
I’ve been a member of my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) ever since I was baptized at the age of 8, and attending my Sacrament and other meetings on the Sabbath has always been a natural part of my life so I actually miss church when I don’t attend. I especially love it when I have a Sunday calling (a volunteer position) like I do now in the Primary organization (the children’s program in my church). Sacrament is considered our most important meeting because it’s when we renew our baptismal covenants. I have relished having sons participate in the Sacrament service. I love the fact that we don’t have a pastor preaching to us. We have a bishopric who presides and conducts and they assign different members of our ward (congregation) to give talks on various spiritual subjects. Or when there is a missionary farewell or homecoming, that is fun because missionaries rock our faith! Then on Fast Sundays (usually every first Sunday), the hour is dedicated to testimony bearing (all volunteer base). So Sacrament meeting alone is uplifting and spiritually nourishing to me and I look forward to each Sabbath day as the day of rest and worship and gathering with other members to sing our hymns, pray, study the scriptures and lift each other up. Personally I need that. I like all the smiles and handshakes! I like how we are a ward family and we serve and love one another as well as our community. I just wanted to share that and to commend your honesty and willingness to do what you know to be right and good for your soul. I think you’re amazing!
Kelli says
Angela, Have you ever considered asking the Lord His opinion on the subject? I’d encourage you to ask Him and see what He wants for you. Not what I want, not want friends, or family want, but what He wants.
Amy Pineda says
I love your honesty! My dad was a pastor and would have people regularly tell him to put pressure on people to come otherwise they might not come themselves! It is revealing, that people feel it’s what they “should” do, but it’s not valuable in and of itself without the pressure. I think I’ve realized that church is not a building or a service. It’s loving people. I attend a place, now, that is very love focused, not rule oriented. There’s very little judgment, even when we walk in late! It’s a small church, and they can see that coming a mile away. We have real conversation, though there’s no pressure to talk or share, if that’s not something you are feeling. I can definitely see the benefit of getting together to encourage one another in life, but perhaps because I see it as a benefit only and not a must, I feel much less dread? Maybe.